I Won't Hold You Back
by Parseltongue
Summary: Lily gently chooses to let James go when he faces the difficult choice of whether or not to join to England Quidditch team and move away.


Author's note: This is one my first fics, so bear w/ thru the mush&fluff. I wanted to skip ahead thru Lily and James' romance thru out their years @ Hogwarts, so this is like at the end of seventh year, just after graduation k? If anything isn't fitting w/ J.K. Rowling's series, like I said, bear w/ me, k? Thanx!  
  
Disclaimer: I own only the plot and Lily's friends Jaquey (which is pronounced Jackie, by the way) and Cytara (which is pronounced Si-TAR-uh, by the way). Everything else is the work and invention of genius and true Einstein J.K. Rowling (no I am not sucking up)!  
  
  
  
Chapter One—I Wish I Could Have Shown You  
  
As the train pulled out of the station at Hogsmeade, Lily stared forlornly out the window. A sighed fluttered past her lips. She was leaving Hogwarts for good—  
  
Oh stop this nonsense, said her subconscious voice. You're bloody seventeen—mature enough to know that this day was coming!  
  
"Oh, shut up," Lily muttered angrily.  
  
"You say something, Lils?" said a voice behind her, making her jump. She turned to a grinning James. He bent down and kissed her briefly. "You look down," he commented airily. "Want a mug of mead?"  
  
Lily closed her eyes for a moment. "No, James, I do not—and I also don't want to know how you snuck one on the train." She opened them again to see him shrug. "Your loss," he said. "Besides," he added, mock-offended, as he stepped outside the train, "Sirius snuck them, not me."  
  
When the door snapped shut smartly, Lily buried her face in her hands to hide the giggle. "What's the difference?" she asked the empty room aloud. "You two are practically brothers anyway—"  
  
She sighed deeply again when the door opened once more. "James, I said I don't want one," she said loudly. "Yes, I'm sure, so don't ask me, and yes, I'm aware that Sirius hasn't poisoned them. So don't waste your breath—"  
  
"Well," interrupted a decidedly amused female voice. "I'm sorry to butt in on your interesting little monologue, and suppose I should be offended at the attitude you're giving me, but since I'm an innocent bystander, I'll act like one and look really bewildered."  
  
Lily turned, a grin on her face, in time to see Jaquey' s lovely face take on a baffled expression. "Jaq, I've doubts that you've ever been innocent in your life."  
  
"Sure I have," laughed Jaquey, her face now beaming. Her gray eyes sparkled with delight as she stepped inside the compartment. "Lots of times."  
  
"Right—when you were born, when you're asleep, and when—no, actually, not even when you're confused, because when you're genuinely confused, you break things."  
  
"I do not!" exclaimed Jaquey defensively.  
  
"Do not what?" asked Cytara, coming into the compartment with a Sugar Quill in her hand. Her blue eyes flickered with curiosity about the girls' argument.  
  
Lily groaned. "Do not tell me that the Marauders are handing out candy again!"  
  
"Oh." Cytara looked plainly puzzled. "Fine, if that's all that you 'do not' want, I won't, then—"  
  
"No," protested Jaquey, with a disgusted sigh. "We were talking about, I do not break things when I'm confused."  
  
"Oh, that," Cytara said dismissively. "Yes, you do. Anyway," she went on over Jaquey's splutter of outrage, "where are the Marauders? I thought they'd be here already."  
  
Lily shrugged listlessly. "Dunno," she murmured. "Ask Jaquey. As she and Sirius have hooked up recently, she should know where those bloody fools are, she never lets Sirius out of her sight for long."  
  
"Not true—well, maybe," relented Jaquey. "It's because I know there are so many girls that are trying to catch Sirius' eye, and that—from the cream of the crop—he chose me. So I'm trying not to let him change his mind."  
  
"Jaq, if you don't loosen up, he'll change his mind a lot quicker than you think," said Cytara. "He'll feel stifled, and he'll want you to set him free."  
  
"'They say if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours, and that's how you know,'" quoted Lily. "Christina Aguilera, "'What A Girl Wants,'" she explained.  
  
"Oh," said Cytara again. "Well, it's true," she said matter-of-factly. "If you really love Sirius…" she paused.  
  
Jaquey sighed. "I do. I really love him."  
  
"Have you told him?"  
  
"Well…no. I don't want to rush him into something totally serious." She stopped a minute, thinking over the irony of that statement. She giggled nervously. "Wow—a serious relationship with Sirius. How utterly ironic is that?"  
  
All three girls smiled and launched into a discussion of 'how serious is serious?' and 'how long is forever in a guy's eyes?'  
  
***  
  
Outside the compartment, where they had stopped to listen indignantly at the mention of 'bloody fools', all four Marauders squirmed guiltily.  
  
"Why do I feel like I'm on death row?" muttered Sirius. His friends shrugged, put on smiles, and prepared to push open the door. Suddenly, Jaquey's mischievous voice carried through clearly:  
  
"…and speaking of 'girls catching the eyes' of our guys, Lily," Jaquey proclaimed, "I noticed that Sherri has been fluttering her eyelashes a bit towards James' way ever since last week."  
  
Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter, who'd all decided not to open the door after all, could far too easily imagine Lily squirming in her seat. James in particular felt a bit guiltier that he was listening in on this. He put a hand on the door to walk in when Lily's reply sent him staggering backwards so that he almost crashed into the door of another compartment.  
  
"I…I know. And I guess I've let her carry on a bit, to see what James'll do. There's nothing I can do about it if he likes it." She shrugged, though the four stunned eavesdroppers couldn't see it. "If he prefers Sherri, he's free to go. I'm certainly not going to struggle to keep him, no matter how much he means to me, I couldn't ever force him to stay; I don't think I've enough in me." She shrugged again.  
  
Jaquey and Cytara's mouths had dropped open from shock. This wasn't what they'd expected from their little bit of teasing. "But—but—Lily, I thought—" stammered Jaquey.  
  
"Like I said, if he wants to go, then he'll leave. I won't stop him. If he comes back—" she trailed off reluctantly, unable to assure them she'd welcome him back, because she herself was afraid she wouldn't be able to.  
  
Outside the door, James eyes had screwed shut tight. And he'd been planning to tell her that he was—no, he wasn't yet sure he was, of course—but—it seemed definite even in this shaky stage—he really had no choice but to…just do it, though he needed to tell her, he knew.  
  
But he couldn't tell her, not now. But knew he had to. But—  
  
No buts, he told himself fiercely. She needed the truth.  
  
He took a deep breath of relief as Lily changed the subject—and his heart fell again as he realized it was summer jobs Lily was talking about. Fabulous. Perfect opening for him to tell her. But why did it feel so wrong?  
  
Suddenly, the other Marauders had gone in, to a chorus of hellos. James walked in also, a bright fake smile on his face as he exaggeratedly bowed to all the girls.  
  
"'Ello, ladeez," he said with an affected French accent. "'Ow eez your day going?"  
  
"Awful," murmured Lily. "I can't believe we're actually leaving Hogwarts. Well," she said on a lighter tone, "at least we'll all still be together." She smiled around at them, passing blankly, and quickly, over James' suddenly guilty face, refusing to let paranoia cloud her mind. "So, guys, what's on your agenda for this summer?"  
  
The other three boys glanced apologetically at James, nodded, and rose, taking both (very surprised and struggling) Cytara and Jaquey out of the compartment.  
  
***  
  
Lily stared at James in bewilderment. They were now alone. James took her hand without meeting her eyes, and Lily closed her eyes, knowing immediately it was bad news.  
  
"Lils," James began, "I got this invitation from the England Quidditch team—" he winced when Lily slipped her hand limply from his and gave a soft, muffled cry. He continued slowly, "They want to know if—"  
  
"If you'll join as Seeker," finished Lily dully, opening her eyes but not looking at him. "Of course, it was only a matter of time. I'm frankly surprised they didn't drag you out of school two years ago—I suppose you've accepted?"  
  
"Not yet," said James quickly. "I mean," he added as Lily raised her eyes, which were brimming with hopeful tears, "it's a great offer, and I'd have a bloody great time, too, but I'd have to move away from London, and in London there's you, and all my other friends, and my family, and—"  
  
"They're not the ones you're worried about," said Lily quietly. "I can already tell they'll all be so excited for you to join that they'll urge you to no end to accept. It's me that's holding you back from your dream, James." At his sound of objection, she stood and crossed the compartment. "Yes, I know that it's your dream, that it's been your dream since third year, and that it's a bloody near irresistible temptation to you. And I need to tell you something." She turned to him. "I don't want to let you go, but I will. If it's what you want—if it'll make you happy—then you're free. I set you free," she repeated gently.  
  
"Lils—no!" James stood quickly and crossed the room to join her. "I don't want to lose you, Lily. You're everything to me. I—" He hesitated. He'd never actually told her he loved her, but then, she'd never said the words either. "Everything," he repeated desperately. "I'd choose you above everything—"  
  
"Except Quidditch." She shook her head even as he frantically shook his in denial. "You may not admit it, but you would, and I won't drag you down, James Potter. You want to fly—I can read it in your eyes. You want so badly to be up in the air on your broom, searching for that Snitch. You want it so badly it's like breathing for you. And without breathing you'd die." She took a hitching breath herself. "James, without Quidditch, you'd die."  
  
He kept shaking his head. "Lily, without you, I'd die."  
  
She smiled ruefully. "No—you'll live, James. And you'll love, James. Maybe not me, but you'll be happy, I know it. I'll miss you, James," she whispered, her eyes tightly shut again. "By God, I'll never forget what we had together. It was special. It was—"  
  
"Is," interrupted James wildly. "It is special. We still have something, Lily—God, you're talking like you've already let me go." He stopped suddenly, afraid to go on, suddenly cold and still—so terribly frightened, so terribly petrified of her next words. "No—please—Lily, no—" He could barely speak for his paralyzed fear. "You haven't—please, Lily, no—"  
  
Lily, hating herself, looked up into his eyes. Her own eyes—green, sparklingly beautiful—wavered with tears that flooded her cheeks.  
  
"I have," she said softly. "You are now released from…everything. No obligations, no hesitations, no complications. Goodbye, James. Good luck," and with that she slid out of his arms and out of the compartment.  
  
She walked blindly past the three anxiously waiting Marauders, and her two just-as-anxious best friends. She walked past them, to the girls' room on the train. She splashed water on her face and stared at her reflection. "Goodbye, James," she whispered again. "I love you." Her composure broke down as she slid, boneless, down to the floor of the bathroom and sobbed with heartache. Lily, her shoulders quaking with convulsive wails, could only bury her head in her arms as her life shattered around her.  
  
***  
  
The five figures outside the compartment got to their feet.  
  
"She didn't," murmured Jaquey disbelievingly.  
  
"She wouldn't," agreed Cytara unsurely. But Sirius had seen the dead, empty look in Lily's eyes. "She would, and she did," he mumbled firmly. "She's let him go. She loves him so much, she's let him go to keep from holding him back from joining the team."  
  
"No!" Remus was already pulling at the door. He stopped dead. The other four crowded around him and stood in shock.  
  
Inside the compartment, James was on his knees where he had before stood as Lily had said goodbye to him, set him free, and he was weeping openly in sorrow and grief.  
  
"Lily…Lily…" he kept murmuring. He raised his head when he heard Cytara gasp in distress. Tears were streaking down his face as he whispered shakily, "She said goodbye." He shook his head. "She said she could tell I'd choose Quidditch over her, she said she'd let me—'No obligations, no hesitations, no complications,' she said—" He broke off as a fresh wave of misery overtook him.  
  
Sirius came into the compartment and crouched beside his brokenhearted best friend. "Well, James, is she right? Which is it? Lily or Quidditch? Which do you value more?"  
  
James, his shoulders quivering with sobs, could only shake his head as his life collapsed to pieces around him.  
  
A/N—he he he. Well, whaddaya think? Suspenseful? If you give me @ least 50 reviews (hey, I'm being lenient here) as a total, not individually, duh, then I'll post the next chapter. But if you don't like it and don't review, you'll never know what happens.  
  
MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!  
  
*I love cliffhangers*  
  
Luv ya guys—  
  
Parseltongue 


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